Bye Bye Bi
by Wolfychann
Summary: Ash from Evil Dead and a bunch of OCs from my original fic... in high school! This started out as intentional badfic, but got fun enough to post.


****

Bye Bye Bi

The first period bell at George Bush, Jr. Memorial High was a distant beacon of hopelessness to Ashley Williams as he dashed in the front door, still miles from his classroom. He ran down the hall, scrambled up the stairs, ran some more, and stopped in front of the door to Mrs. Henweigh's (A/N: What's a henweigh? ...About four pounds.) World History class.

Ash was dressed in a tight white t-shirt and baggy jeans. He took a few deep breaths, ran his hand through his chestnut (A/N: I'm a chest nut too.) hair, and sauntered in the door casually. Everyone was already in their seats. And staring at him. Ash looked down, just to check if he was wearing pants. He was, so the situation couldn't be that bad. He went to his seat and sat down, hoping Mrs. Henweigh would just let it go and start the lesson.

No such luck. The teacher, an old and frightening woman with a tightly tied bun of gray hair, stood directly over him and stared daggers. "Mr. Williams, would you care to apologize to everyone for disrupting their learning with your tardiness?"

As Ash started to answer, Erin Kendall, who was sitting behind him, poked her pencil point into his back. "Look, I'm sorry, I just slept a little..." Erin pushed harder on the pencil, and Ash winced in mid-sentence.

"Yes, Mr. Williams?" Mrs. Henweigh asked impatiently.

"I'm sorry!" Ash squeaked out. "I'm sorry!"

"You don't sound very sorry, _Ashley_," Mrs. Henweigh said, and the class giggled. Ash silently cursed his parents for giving him a name better suited to a trendy twelve-year-old girl. "Saturday detention. And I'll be calling your parents."

Ash tried to say something about how his parents surely wouldn't be home and they had no answering machine and they wouldn't care anyway so there was really no point in calling, but Erin's pencil was still jabbed in his back. He was afraid that if he tried to talk any more she'd puncture his spine with it, so he stayed quiet, and Erin withdrew the pencil and made herself look innocent. It was hard to look innocent in a hot pink tube top and tight black miniskirt, but she managed.

***

Meanwhile, in Mr. Butfor's (A/N: What's a butfor?) first period Trigonometry Class, Ethan Christchurch was trying to copy as much as possible off Splinner's homework assignment before they had to turn in their work.

"Hey, do your own work for once," Splinner muttered.

Ethan grinned at him. "I'll owe you a kiss."

Splinner blushed and pulled his homework paper away. "Not in class, Ethan," he said in an angry whisper.

Ethan nodded and tore a corner off his homework paper. "Three kisses," he wrote on the corner, and passed it to Splinner.

Splinner considered it for a moment, then drew a little smiley face on the paper and handed it back. Ethan winked, and Splinner turned his homework so Ethan could read it.

***

Between second and third periods, Splinner and Ash were standing at Ash's locker talking about girls, boys, and the relative sexual merits of each.

"Man, you think it's tough giving blowjobs?" Ash was saying. "Try getting one from this chick Laura on the cheer squad. I mean, not to give you too many details or anything, but can you say 'pencil sharpener'?"

Splinner giggled nervously. "I wouldn't know, Ethan and I haven't... haven't taken our relationship to that level yet. We've agreed to go slow for right now."

"Yeah, there's something to be said for slow," Ash said. "I mean, this one girl I banged at Adam's party, she was like 'oh, faster, faster', and I'm up there about to collapse from exhaustion already, and it's like, do you wanna fuck me, or a racehorse?" He noticed something out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, isn't that your boyfriend?"

Splinner looked. It was Ethan, all right, standing and talking with Erin on the far end of the hall. Splinner couldn't hear what they were talking about, but they were smiling and standing far closer together than seemed sociable. Then Ethan put his arms around Erin and kissed her. Not just a friendly kiss, either. He seemed to be checking her tonsils for lumps with his tongue. (A/N: I also considered saying "he seemed like he was trying to give her a uvula massage.")

"That bastard," Ash said. "He can't treat you like that. I'll kick his fatherfucking ass." He started to walk towards Ethan, his hands balled into fists, but Splinner grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"Don't," Splinner said. "I already know he does this, and it does hurt me. But it would hurt me more to lose him."

Ash shook his head in disgust. "A fuckchop like that? You shouldn't stick with him. You could do better."

Splinner stared at his feet. "You really think that? You know how many guys there are at this school who'll date me?"

Ash turned to look Splinner straight in the eyes. "Well, there's at least two."

It took Splinner a moment to realize what Ash meant. "You mean... Oh Ash, I didn't even know you liked guys."

"I don't. But anything for a friend, right? It's better than leaving you with that jerk. Besides, I figure I ought to try it once in my life. Find out what all the fuss was about," Ash said. "Heck, it wouldn't be the first time. I mean, in elementary school my friend Scotty and I would hide in his dad's garden shed with porn mags and play soggy cookie stud."

"Soggy cookie stud?" Splinner asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, you each have a cookie and you jack off and whoever's cookie gets soggy first is the stud. You've never played?"

Splinner shook his head quickly.

"Just as well. Gives you bad habits. Anyway, I gotta get to class. See you at lunch!"

***


End file.
